A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Day 2 of my diet
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Europe. Made in Germany.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I need to get some bricks…
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”