I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
You Might Also Like
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”