my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*