Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.