Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.