Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal