Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
getting corrected
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.