My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…