*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!