GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin