I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Accurate
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.