I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.