My blood type is coffee.
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
okay run it by me one more time
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower