[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.