#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Only short people can save us
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better