Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
How can I say no to this ?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Think I pulled my liver
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft