You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.