“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.