Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.