*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Rather alarming headline…
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*