I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?