{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.