POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
this country is so goddamn polarized
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.