If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?