So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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He-man has a Masters degree
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Liquor Store Parking
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Oh thanks BBC.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn