I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You Might Also Like
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.