[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Trumpy Cat
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.