Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
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Doug is just Canadian for dog
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”