I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.