Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
i really liked this one
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.