There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts