I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
What if the weather talks about us?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Thursday Thought.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.