A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)