Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
the three branches of government
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
What about second breakfast?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*