Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Finally!
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.