[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
what
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”