Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Extremely relatable.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY