therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store