Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*