i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
This is why I hate group projects
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
a public service announcement
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
adam and eve had first world problems
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.