Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
this is the best day of my life
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?