Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol