The honesty is refreshing
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.