Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Yep.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines