Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.