Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”