I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
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[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”