Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.