Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*