Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I don’t know what to do
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.